Tragedy

On the farm, we sometimes have difficult things happen, and yesterday we had one. In the morning, we looked out the window and saw a sheep laying down when the rest of the herd was walking out into the pasture. That's abnormal behavior so I had to go investigate. Unfortunately, it was a new mother and her baby lamb. It looked like she tried to give birth in the night when we hit nearly 0 for the temperature. After giving birth, when she tried to get up to lick her lamb off and stimulate it, the birth fluid had already frozen and she was frozen to the ground. Because of that, her lamb never was able to get up and ended up freezing to the ground as well. By the time we arrived, the baby was dead and Mama was in bad shape. Fortunately, we were able to get her wool cut off enough to get her on her feet, then held her up and massaged her until her legs started working again and today she is acting normal. I can't help but feel bad for this poor animal who was unable to help her baby because she was frozen to the ground. Sad.

Whew!

Well, it was a marathon session, but I have finished my talk for tomorrow at church. I usually go over the whole talk a few times on the computer, then I give it once to make sure the flow is right, make adjustments from that and it's done. So I was complete before noon today which was my goal...now to go play lamb doctor and give some shots!

Negotiation

So yesterday was my negotiation--er, meeting with my neurosurgeon over what I will be allowed to do after this latest invasion of my spine. It didn't go very well for me! Because it had to be redone, I am now under severe restrictions in every aspect of my world as to what I can do. Can't lift more than 10 pounds until my next visit...in 10 weeks! and I have to wear the brace until then as well. I do get to go back to work sooner than April, but that was the only point I won anything on...everything else was a loss. I still have to put my brace on for those middle of the night trips...ugh

I don't know

I find the more time I spend attending school and learning everything I can about the nature of God, the less I really know. It's my nature to learn as much as I can about things I am interested in so I can better weigh information given to me. God is no exception. I don't want to rely on teachers to let me know about God, but I want some base of knowledge on my own so I can weigh what is being taught and decide for myself if it is true or not. What I have found is as I attend school and read books and listen to instruction regarding God, I have become more and more comfortable with the response

I don't know

to many of the questions that are asked of me. Now don't get me wrong, I have opinions on many different subjects regarding God and His nature and what not, but there are also a lot of things that I just don't know about and I am comfortable saying that.

Just last night, my son asked me about the omnipresence of God which led to a discussion about the triune nature of God. It's a tough enough question to answer without throwing into the ring the fact my son is 9 years old. We discussed it and talked about God and how much we really just don't know about Him. The bottom line in the end was I had to tell my son that I don't know the answer to some of his specific questions regarding the omnipresence of God. That was not the most satisfying answer for him, but it was a truthful answer. If we could answer every question we have about God with a specific answer wouldn't that remove God's diety and make Him too mundane? If every question we had about God and His nature were easily answered then faith becomes less about believing in what we do not see and more about understanding what we've learned about. I am happy to follow a God that I need to answer some questions about with

I don't know

Love

Recently I was speaking with someone about divorce. I asked about the reasons why and I was told the main reason they wanted a divorce was they no longer loved their spouse. My response to that was

so what?

which was met with a quizzical expression on their face. They informed me that marriage needs love and without it divorce ensues. That started a long conversation on what love is. You see, I don't think love is about the ooey gooey feeling in the pit of our stomach we get anytime the person is around, rather love is a decision. That ooey gooey feeling can come out of loving somebody or it can come from lusting for somebody when people find a replacement for their spouse, but love is a decision we make. In a marriage, it is necessary to decide one is going to love their spouse. That means serving them, knowing their needs and meeting them. It means putting our spouse first and our needs second. Sure that can get hard when our spouse is self-centered and unresponsive to our own needs, but before any discussion of our own needs can begin, a decision needs to be made to love our spouse with service and meeting needs. After that, the discussion can begin. After a person feels loved by their spouse can talk start about the spouse's needs and how they can be met as well.

All too often, people give up quickly on marriage. It's work. Heck, it's hard work. Too often, when things are going bad it turns into tit for tat. They don't meet my needs in this area, so I won't in that area. Just working to hurt each other for the last hurt they put on us. Half the time, a perceived offense is just that...perceived. Men and women are different and don't see things the same very often at all. What might be offensive to one is normal behavior to the other. Too often, when things are hard, we begin talking to folk who don't need to know about problems in the marriage...people at work, members of the opposite sex. Then, those people comfort us in our difficult time, they give us what we need. Which all too often is just somebody to talk to...they love us. Then we turn to this other person for love rather than our spouse. Then divorce is spoken about...I've heard it before

my spouse doesn't love me, but so-n-so has listened to me and understands me

which is to say they are meeting needs and loving you at the time. Marriage is hard work and it requires effort from both of the people involved in it. Efforts need to be taken to keep communication open long before problems arise. If problems do arise, though, we need to stay away from discussing them with members of the opposite sex. They are marriage counselors that can help with our problems. If one from the phone book doesn't work, find another. If they are not trusted enough, speak with your spiritual leaders. It's hard, but we need to work for our marriages and keep them going strong...and meeting needs.

Anniversaries

Well, I have been blogging now for over a year. It's a strange experience when I look at the website stats and see who is finding this blog. Over the last year, people from around the globe have found my blog by searching for many different and varied things. I supppose some of that is because I blog about many different and varied things. This blog started for me as a place to write about what I'm thinking and doing so people interested in RCC can take a look and see what one of the leaders of the church is thinking. That way if they are completely opposed to the way I'm thinking or going, they can know that before they attend. Also if people find some common ground, they may want to attend and speak with some RCCers in person to see if they can be a part of what we're doing. Over the course of the year I have expanded on what I talk about. Now I just blog about what is on my mind at the time. Sometimes my thoughts are not super-spiritual and sometimes they are long and nerdy, but as I review this past year I will continue to blog about things that interest me and be as transparent as I can on this blog. My goals remain the same...I am going through this spiritual journey just as anybody else is, and I'll talk about my experiences along the way. If any of it interests you, please continue to read, send an email and if you are close enough, allow me to invite you to attend one of RCC's meetings. If you are one of the readers from around the globe, now that my back is healing I should get caught up on our sermons here if you want to listen to them as well. I'd also love to hear from you...whether a comment on the blog or an email. Thanks for helping me make use of this venue for my thoughts...without readers I would have stopped this long ago!

Baby pictures

Here's the photos of the two new proud mamas we have here on the ranch. One has twins and the other had a single. We will probably be out Saturday giving shots and fixing the boys so we'll know the sex of them all then. Girls are better than boys for us on the farm because they can be sold much much earlier for reproduction which is worth more than boys that are sold for meat and we need to keep them until the end of the season, so we're hoping for a lot of girls!!

Getting back in the saddle

As I've said, these last few months have been extremely taxing for me. My relationships have suffered on every front and I have withdrawn further and further from interaction. Now that the pain is finally under control I am working back up to things. Today I was offered the opportunity to speak at church again for the upcoming Proverb 21 (the first half). This is a subject that is near and dear to me, so I accepted with just a bit of trepeditation (you can click here to read it yourself). It takes me hours and hours to put a message together, and I don't have a long time left until I need to give it, but this subject is one that I have spoken about extensively in both individual counseling sessions and with my connection group. I am definitely looking forward to this subject and I pray that I can help people to understand God's view on motivations.

Missed another day

Well, last week I didn't feel too bad about missing church since I was still in the hospital, but this week I do feel bad. I know there is a ton of stuff we are doing and trying to get done and each day I am stuck at home is just more work to do. I'm working to get caught up on the various podcasts that need posting, but 20 minutes out of every hour is all I'm allowed to sit until Friday. Then I'll start getting something else done! Maybe next week I'll be released to go back to church as well...I certainly hope so!

Signs of Spring

Well, it might be freezing out with new snow just last night but here on the farm we just saw our first glimpse of spring. My sheep have begun lambing! We have three brand new babies bouncing around the pasture this afternoon. Didn't have them yesterday, but when my son went to do chores and feed them today there were three new babies out there joining us! Normally I would work harder to make sure the sheep weren't exposed to the rams until later so they could lamb at the end of February at the earliest, but I slacked this year. The good news is mother and babies all appear to be doing great and bouncing around as only baby lambs can!

Catching up...

Whew!

These last three months have been among the worst I have experienced in my life. The constant pain that just hurt more and more really became debilitating to me. I found myself without the energy to interact with anybody.

Sundays were the hardest for me. I feel that God has given me the priviledge of working for Him, yet I did not have the energy required to perform the work required. I struggled each Sunday to pull together enough energy to do my job at church and talk with people...then I would come home and feel bad that I had nothing left for my family.

Many relationships have been under pressure during these last three months as well. I did not have the energy to talk to many people during the week or try and keep straight in my mind what was happening in their lives. Even my relationship with God has been strained these last three months as well. We have had times that I have been angry and frustrated with Him.

I say all this not as an excuse for anything that has happened, but rather as an explanation of where I have been recently. I have found myself unable to conjure the strength to take care of some things and for that I am sorry. There are some, including God, that I need to go to and apologize in person for my behavior. Some of them want to wave it off as being excused because of the pain but that doesn't work for me. I take responsibility for my actions--maybe I'm too stubborn of a person--and I will make apologies and accept repercussions where needed as well.

I am very happy to find myself digging out of this hole I have been in...now the repair work beings. Both on my back and in my relationships.

Whew!

What an ordeal. Don't let anybody tell you it is easier the second time you have back surgery because it all hurts a lot!
Doc found a problem at T9-10 just like we knew so he aggressively treated it. It was cleaned out and partially ectomied, then the fusion on the left was done to another level at T11 to span that joint nicely and hold it all in place. Because he doesn't want this one to fail like the last, I am wearing a fairly uncomfortable brace that keeps me in a rigid posture, but I made it through the surgery, survived the hospital and even made a friend while in there!
Home now, taking it easy...I'm allowed 20 minutes of sitting every hour, so I'm checking email in bursts and getting caught up. It feels good.

Knowledge

When I was younger I can remember reading Charlie Brown's Book of Questions and Answers for hours straight. I would pull down our old encyclopedias from the 1950s and just read about stuff to see what could be interesting. It's just amazing to me now that I have the ability to read and learn about so much stuff online with just some surfing and a Google search. Sure, some effort needs to be put into it so any old junk doesn't register as true, but that is the case with anything we do. I have been doing a ton of research online about my back and the medicines they have put me on. A lot of folk who hear what all I am taking for the pain start joking around about how I'm addicted. Yet I've found out because I take these medicines as prescribed I can become tolerant of them but addiction is not something to worry about as long as I only take them when needed. Hopefully if they fix things on the 5th I can start slowly weaning myself from all the meds and return back to normal life. I absolutely hate the foggy feeling in my head with all the meds running around in there.